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Physical activity plays a critical role in blood sugar regulation by increasing insulin sensitivity and facilitating glucose uptake by muscles.
I gotta say, and I never thought I would ever say this… I mean, I knew I would eventually, but it seems to me that this happened kinda fast. That is—getting old. Well, OLDER.
As a man in my forties, and one who works out regularly, I do feel kind of young most of the time. I mean, I can still run five miles at the drop of a hat. I can still get in the weight room and mix it up with the youngins on any given Sunday. But there are moments in life when your age will show, regardless of your “keep it right and tight” daily routine.
I’ve heard that dating a younger woman will do it—and does it—for most dudes my age. I don’t know anything about that. For me, lately, my “your age is showing” moments come courtesy of my two-year-old niece. Jesus Christ.
I love hanging with her. But every time I do, it feels like I’m a contestant on American Ninja Warrior or maybe The Amazing Race. Spend two days with her, and you’ll need another two just to recover. Toddlers are a force of nature. Little enigmas wrapped in chaos.
So there I was the other day, mending my aches and pains with a healthy pour of Pinot, when I started thinking about Luis Elizondo’s “Five Observables” (you know, the criteria used to classify UFOs). And I couldn’t help but realize that toddlers—or at least my niece, Mica—share some of these observables.
I’m serious.
Okay, let’s look at them one by one.
1. Sudden and Instantaneous Acceleration
This one is obvious. One second, Mica is sitting on the couch, looking peaceful and reflective, maybe even a little sleepy. The next second—boom—she’s halfway across the room, climbing a bookshelf like she’s training for the 2028 Olympic bouldering team. There is zero build-up. No warning. Just instant chaos.
2. Hypersonic Velocity (Without Signatures)
You ever try to change a toddler’s diaper when they don’t feel like it? They move at speeds that defy known physics. I have witnessed my niece dart from one side of the house to the other in what felt like two frames of animation. And unlike an adult running full speed, there are no signs of effort—no heavy breathing, no fatigue, just pure, unexplainable motion.
3. Low Observability (AKA Stealth Mode)
Now you see her. Now you don’t. I can be looking right at her, and somehow she’s still managed to disappear. Toddlers have an innate ability to slip out of sight in a way that is equal parts fascinating and terrifying. I swear, I have turned my head for one second, and she has gone from playing in the living room to standing on the kitchen counter with a juice box she somehow teleported into her hand.
4. Transmedium Travel
Water, land, furniture, air—it’s all the same to them. Toddlers move seamlessly between mediums like they’re piloting some next-gen, anti-gravity spacecraft. I have seen my niece run full speed through the house, launch herself off the couch, land into a pool of pillows, and bounce directly onto a hardwood floor—completely unfazed. If I attempted any of that, my obituary would be published within the hour.
5. Gravity Defiance
I do not know how toddlers do it, but they seem to fall in ways that defy physics. I have seen my niece trip, rotate mid-air like she was doing a controlled descent, and land gracefully. No bruises, no crying, just a quick “I meant to do that” look before continuing her reign of chaos. I, on the other hand, stub my toe on the coffee table, and suddenly I’m rethinking my whole life.
So, what does this all mean? Are toddlers actually unidentified aerial phenomena (UAPs) disguised as tiny humans? Am I just getting old? Could be both.
All I know is, after a weekend with Mica, I need a massage, an ice bath, and at least two days of deep recovery. Meanwhile, she wakes up the next morning, fresh as a daisy, ready to go again.
I’ll be honest—I’m impressed. But I’m also tired.
Someone pass the Pinot.